DEAR AIDAN: Feeling Sexually Incompatible

Dear Aidan:

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I met a terrific guy. We hit it off on every level. Emotionally he is open, honest and loving. Mentally he is sharp, witty and very growth minded. Physically he is HOT. But whenever we get in bed… ehhh… The sex just isn’t there for me. I always have to make all of the moves first and I would like him to be more aggressive. During the act of sex, he doesn’t make me feel desired. I want to feel the animal passion!

Dear Hungry Like the Wolf,

I really believe that the bedroom is the one place that you cannot hide! If a young girl is dating an older man to which she has to romantic attraction to in order to claim his estate after he passes, I can guarantee their sex is terrible. Why? Because the connection, the animal instincts and true intimacy that can happen in the bedroom cannot be replicated easily, even by the best of actors.

That being said, there are many who will probably tell you. “Sex is not everything. Look past it and hope it gets better.” Don’t listen to those people. They don’t know what they are talking about either.

The way I look at it, sex is a bonding experience among two partners and sharing this intimate time, pushing the boundaries and really creating a safe space for each partner to share what they are “into” is a key point that separates a romantic relationship from friendships. I really like the idea of role playing, talking dirty or sharing kinky fantasies, etc. because doing so means that each partner is bravely willing to put themselves on the line and risk rejection and embarrassment from “sex gone wrong.” But when it works, the intimacy that can be created between two consenting partners who are willing to share their deepest fantasies will create a bond which will be hard to replicate with just “any other.”

So. WHAT DO YOU DO? People get so squeamish around sex. The more clear and open you can be about the issue, the better it will be for you guys in the long run. Try having a discussion and maybe see what happens if you can both relax… try a weed cookie ( I can’t believe I am recommending this, but maybe this will help take the edge off, which will allow you both to share your feelings and desires more readily.)

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If that does not work, THEN I would take a look at yourself before tossing the relationship down the toilet. You had mentioned that you really like aggressive guys! Are you holding standards that MUST BE MET by your partner in order for you to be satisfied? Is there a way for you to meet him where he is and enjoy the experience? Take a look at being more committed to enjoying the experience rather than having to be right about how he is not fulfilling your needs! You might be used to one kind of love-making, but meeting him where he is might ring all kinds of bells!

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