I have been in two long term relationships in my lifetime and I have cheated on my partner in both of the scenarios. I don’t trust myself in relationships. I am really worried that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship in which I can honor my agreements to my partner. Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?
Dear Carrie Underwood’s boyfriend,
This is a topic of conversation that is quite sensitive to the public at large. I applaud you for coming forward and asking this question because infidelity is one of the most looked down upon acts, as the Public sees it. Good for you for addressing it.
In the way the question is phrased there is a lot of DOOM and GLOOM and I AM BAD and yada, yada, yada. First, we are going to address how you talk to yourself because the harder you are on yourself, the more you will get stuck in that narrative of “I am a cheater.”
I am going to make two statements about your situation and I would like for you to think about which statement feels better to you as you read it, and which of the two set of beliefs will provide you the best opportunity for growth and change.
Statement 1: “I cannot be trusted as a romantic partner and I have ruined both my past relationships. I’m gonna be single for the rest of my life.”
Statement 2: “I have been unfaithful in my past relationships and through those experiences I am more clear than ever that I want to honor my word. I am showing that I am taking steps for change for my future lover. I see how even though I have done things that I am not proud of, I am making room for change – which gives me hope for the future.”
The end goal here is to do whatever it takes to facilitate the change you want in your life. The second statement should give you some empowerment over the situation because you are looking AHEAD. You cannot change the past. No matter HOW BADLY you choose to feel about the situation, no one is giving you a marrtyr medal. So lets get off the self-imposed torture and move forward.
May I suggest that the next time you are in a relationship, you stop pushing against cheating, and move toward a closer relationship with your partner? Imagine this kind of relationship: You have a partner and the two of you have absolutely no secrets from one another, you say what is on your minds and respect and honor one another a great deal. Both of you make the relationship important, and make sure that each other is aware of the love and appreciation for one another that you both you have. The sex is amazing! Not only is there chemistry, but it keeps getting better as you create a deeper emotional connection.
People. Really. Need. To. Get. This: A relationship like the one described above doesn’t just happen! It takes work. It takes difficult conversations and acquiescing on stupid thing that don’t matter! It also requires a huge level of personal responsibility to not blame your partner.
All those things are something that you can actively focus on once you are in a relationship in order to have a deeper, more meaningful connection. You can’t do anything about “not cheating,” short of chopping IT of!? But you can certainly work on being the absolute best partner you can be to help create the best relationship in the world! It is my hope that you and your partner work together to create something so unique that anything else would not even be a consideration, thus making cheating an unwanted out.
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