July 6, 2020 The Newspaper Serving LGBT Los Angeles

DEAR AIDAN: Feeling Unappreciated in Relationship

Dear Aidan,

I am in a relationship where I feel as though I am doing most of the work. I am emotionally supportive, understanding, and try to show my partner a lot of love! However, I am not feeling the same level of effort coming from her! I feel as though she is taking me for granted and is ungrateful for all the effort I put in. Shouldn’t relationships be a 50/50 and not just me doing all the work… It’s like I am paying a price to be in this relationship and she is not.

Dear Life is Unfair,

Okay, first question: Are you communicating your needs clearly to your partner? Often in situations such as this, the partner with the complaint has not communicated how they feel to their partner and upon further investigation says one of two things:

1 – “No I haven’t told her DIRECTLY what I need and how I feel, but she should know how I feel, since we are adults. So I am not speaking to her until she realizes what she’s done wrong”

or

2 – “Since she is not being appreciative, I have doubled down on my efforts to show her how much I care by getting us a trip to Aruba, getting her a gown by Versace and bought Kate Beckinsale’s half used lipstick from Ebay… and STILL no thank you! How Can she be so ungrateful?!”

People will often times do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation. Oftentimes, they will avoid the topic at all costs and attempt to communicate indirectly as seen in examples above. This will just lead to more aggravation as you attempt to control the response of your partner (yes, this is what you are doing) by behaving in a certain way  and/or withholding affection, which is a recipe for disaster!  STOP indirectly manipulating your partner to try and control them into being the person you want and actually tell them how you feel instead.

If you have already communicated openly, then you must realized that this person is NOT going to change! PERIOD. It’s like yelling at a Monet painting and asking it to be a Van Gogh. The lesson here is you cannot expect to change people, you must love them as who they are because having your happiness dependent on their behavior will only lead to dissatisfaction.

Follow Aidan on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter @AidanParkShow and check out his upcoming comedy shows on his website AidanPark.com

If you look at the way the your question is phrased… this is exactly what is happening. While I am sure that your good deeds directed at your partner are mostly well intentioned, there is a definitely pattern of… “I did something for them so they should do something back” kind of expectation. Which (spoken out loud or not) adds a sort of “you owe me” type of tone, which I am sure your partner feels.

My suggestion would be this: Do NOT do anything for your partner UNLESS you are going to be totally okay without any kind of token of appreciation or thank you directed back at you. ONLY do things for your partner that will give you satisfaction without praise from your partner. In theory, all deeds should be done from the kindness of your heart, not for the satisfaction of acknowledgment or reciprocation from others, especially when it comes to romantic partners. After all, they are your partner – not your purse dog to train and control at your own whim. If your partner gripes at the dwindling affection… well then maybe they will see that they have been taking you for granted, but at least you will be keeping your side of street clean.

Remember there is really no “should” for your partner. Your partner will react they way they react and it is up to you to determine whether you want to play… your partner will not (and should not be expected to) change for you.  The only person’s actions you can change is your own!

OPEN COMMUNICATION and GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF RECIPROCATION is the key here.

Want Aidan to give you advice? Submit letters via social media or email [email protected] Follow Aidan on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter @AidanParkShow and check out his upcoming comedy shows on his website AidanPark.com

Related Posts

City of West Hollywood’s ‘One City One Pride’ LGBTQ Arts Festival

June 12, 2020

June 12, 2020

Features a ‘virtual platform’ for arts and cultural events: May 22 through June 30 By Staff Writer Each year, the...

North Hollywood Gay Latino Bar ‘Cobra’ Closed for Business

June 12, 2020

June 12, 2020

Instead adopts virtual entertainment method By Toi Creel The effect of COVID -19 has not only taken a toll on...

MIKA, Lil Nas X and More at GLAAD Awards

March 6, 2020

March 6, 2020

GLAAD, the world’s largest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) media advocacy organization, today announced that recording artist and...

“Pose” Actress and Transgender Rights Advocate Angelica Ross Among the Honorees Truth Awards

March 3, 2020

March 3, 2020

The Annual Awards Show to Honor and Recognize LGBTQ + African Americans and Their Allies By Staff Writer Better Brothers...

Apply for New Affordable Senior Housing at the Los Angeles LGBT Center’s McCadden Campus

February 28, 2020

February 28, 2020

The City of West Hollywood has announced that applications for new affordable senior housing will be accepted by the Los...

Santa Monica Honors LGBTQ Politician and Heal The Bay CEO on 100th Anniversary of U.S. Women’s Right to Vote

February 28, 2020

February 28, 2020

Honorees Include Los Angeles County Supervisor Sheila Kuehl and Heal The Bay CEO Dr. Shelley Luce Amidst an election year...

Los Angeles Premiere of Latinx LGBTQ Film at Outfest Fusion

February 26, 2020

February 26, 2020

“Acuitzeramo” screening March 9 By Staff Writer Outfest Fusion presents the Los Angeles premiere of Cabaldana Alchemy’s short film “Acuitzeramo”...

Douglas: What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

February 26, 2020

February 26, 2020

By Chole Marie Rivera The theater is dark and light casts a purple glow on the outline of a cartoon...

WeHo Opens Nominations For 2020 Rainbow Key Awards

February 18, 2020

February 18, 2020

Nominations will be Accepted Until Thursday, February 27 By Staff Writer The City of West Hollywood is gathering nominations for...

Honoring National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day at the ONE Archive

February 4, 2020

February 4, 2020

National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day is on Friday, February 7. In the LGBTQ+ community, HIV/AIDS disproportionately affects gay black men...

Q&A: Being Openly Gay at LA Opera

February 3, 2020

February 3, 2020

The scene: Eurydice always imagined that her wedding day would be a day she’d never forget. But after a tragic...

USC One Archives to Host Screening of Film on Black Trans Woman to Honor Black History Month

February 1, 2020

February 1, 2020

Meet Mary Jones, a black transgender woman born in New York in 1803. Described as a “man-monster” in the press. ...

Trans Flag Emoji Unveiled for More Cyber-Inclusion

January 31, 2020

January 31, 2020

Transgender texters, rejoice! For there is finally an emoji there for you!  Unicode Consortium, the company that sets industry standard...

LGBT Center to Host Groundbreaking Conference for LGBT Widows and Widowers in L.A.

January 30, 2020

January 30, 2020

Renowned Designer, Author, Advocate Nate Berkus to Give Keynote Address On Saturday, February 29, the Los Angeles LGBT Center will host...

LGBTQ Center of LB Announces 2020 Executive Team for Board of Directors

January 29, 2020

January 29, 2020

The LGBTQ Center Long Beach recently announced its new executive team to lead the organization’s 2020 Board of Directors.  Stella...