July 27, 2021 The Newspaper Serving LGBT Los Angeles

DEAR AIDAN: Feeling Unappreciated in Relationship

Dear Aidan,

I am in a relationship where I feel as though I am doing most of the work. I am emotionally supportive, understanding, and try to show my partner a lot of love! However, I am not feeling the same level of effort coming from her! I feel as though she is taking me for granted and is ungrateful for all the effort I put in. Shouldn’t relationships be a 50/50 and not just me doing all the work… It’s like I am paying a price to be in this relationship and she is not.

Dear Life is Unfair,

Okay, first question: Are you communicating your needs clearly to your partner? Often in situations such as this, the partner with the complaint has not communicated how they feel to their partner and upon further investigation says one of two things:

1 – “No I haven’t told her DIRECTLY what I need and how I feel, but she should know how I feel, since we are adults. So I am not speaking to her until she realizes what she’s done wrong”

or

2 – “Since she is not being appreciative, I have doubled down on my efforts to show her how much I care by getting us a trip to Aruba, getting her a gown by Versace and bought Kate Beckinsale’s half used lipstick from Ebay… and STILL no thank you! How Can she be so ungrateful?!”

People will often times do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation. Oftentimes, they will avoid the topic at all costs and attempt to communicate indirectly as seen in examples above. This will just lead to more aggravation as you attempt to control the response of your partner (yes, this is what you are doing) by behaving in a certain way  and/or withholding affection, which is a recipe for disaster!  STOP indirectly manipulating your partner to try and control them into being the person you want and actually tell them how you feel instead.

If you have already communicated openly, then you must realized that this person is NOT going to change! PERIOD. It’s like yelling at a Monet painting and asking it to be a Van Gogh. The lesson here is you cannot expect to change people, you must love them as who they are because having your happiness dependent on their behavior will only lead to dissatisfaction.

Follow Aidan on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter @AidanParkShow and check out his upcoming comedy shows on his website AidanPark.com

If you look at the way the your question is phrased… this is exactly what is happening. While I am sure that your good deeds directed at your partner are mostly well intentioned, there is a definitely pattern of… “I did something for them so they should do something back” kind of expectation. Which (spoken out loud or not) adds a sort of “you owe me” type of tone, which I am sure your partner feels.

My suggestion would be this: Do NOT do anything for your partner UNLESS you are going to be totally okay without any kind of token of appreciation or thank you directed back at you. ONLY do things for your partner that will give you satisfaction without praise from your partner. In theory, all deeds should be done from the kindness of your heart, not for the satisfaction of acknowledgment or reciprocation from others, especially when it comes to romantic partners. After all, they are your partner – not your purse dog to train and control at your own whim. If your partner gripes at the dwindling affection… well then maybe they will see that they have been taking you for granted, but at least you will be keeping your side of street clean.

Remember there is really no “should” for your partner. Your partner will react they way they react and it is up to you to determine whether you want to play… your partner will not (and should not be expected to) change for you.  The only person’s actions you can change is your own!

OPEN COMMUNICATION and GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF RECIPROCATION is the key here.

Want Aidan to give you advice? Submit letters via social media or email amy@thepridela.com. Follow Aidan on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter @AidanParkShow and check out his upcoming comedy shows on his website AidanPark.com

Related Posts

$3 Million To Train California Teachers On LGBTQ Issues

July 26, 2021

July 26, 2021

California Gov. Gavin Newsom approved a final state budget that includes $3 million for LGBTQ cultural competency training for public...

Strut BAR & CLUB Presents Mimosa Girls Drag Brunch

July 26, 2021

July 26, 2021

Strut BAR & CLUB has announced its weekly drag brunch featuring the Mimosa Girls.  Costa Mesa’s ALL inclusive location for...

WeHo Asking For Community Input On Naming Request to Rename the West Hollywood Library

July 26, 2021

July 26, 2021

The City of West Hollywood is conducting a community survey to solicit public input about a naming request to rename...

WeHo Heat Alert For Pets

July 26, 2021

July 26, 2021

The City of West Hollywood reminds human caregivers of canine companions and feline friends that high-heat days can be extremely...

Disneyland Drops ‘Boys and Girls’ Reference

July 19, 2021

July 19, 2021

Disneyland will be changing the introduction to its nightly fireworks show from “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,...

Trans Incident At Wi Spa May Have Been Staged

July 19, 2021

July 19, 2021

On June 24th an Instagram user “cubaangel” posted a video of herself angrily confronting a staff member at the Wi...

Podcast Host Mat George Killed In Hit-And-Run

July 19, 2021

July 19, 2021

Mathew George, gay co-host of the podcast “She Rates Dogs”, has died at the age of 26 after a hit-and-run...

Los Angeles LGBT Center Vaccinates Trans and Non-Binary Community Members

July 14, 2021

July 14, 2021

The Los Angeles LGBT Center has made it its mission to vaccinate the  trans and non-binary  community in a safe...

Gaywatch: Back To The Beach

July 14, 2021

July 14, 2021

On Saturday July 10th Venice Pride hosted Gaywatch: Back To The Beach, a queer dance party at the only gay-owned...

City of West Hollywood Launches ‘Dockless Mobility’ Pilot Program

July 14, 2021

July 14, 2021

City of West Hollywood Launches ‘Dockless Mobility’ Pilot Program with E-Scooters and E-Bikes from Bird, Lime, and Wheels. Starting July...

WeHo Poet Laureate Reviews LGBTQ Documentray “Senior Prom”

June 24, 2021

June 24, 2021

West Hollywood poet Laureate, RENT Poet founder and author of “The Poetry of Strangers: What I Learned Traveling America with...

Dogdrop’s List Of LGBTQ+ Pet Accessories

June 20, 2021

June 20, 2021

Dogdrop, a queer owned dog daycare in Los Angeles, is highlighting a list of LGBTQ+ pet accessories for Pride month. ...

Backstreet Boys & *NSYNC Partner Up For “Bingo Under The Stars” Pride Event At The Grove

June 19, 2021

June 19, 2021

On June 18th The Grove hosted “Bingo Under The Stars” as a charitable Pride event at The Grove’s Level 8....

Drag Filled Cocktail Event At the Beverly Center

June 19, 2021

June 19, 2021

On June 17th Beverly Center and The Webster hosted a private cocktail event with some of the city’s brightest LGBTQ+ stars. ...

Beverly Center Pride Celebrations For Pride Month

June 19, 2021

June 19, 2021

Throughout Pride month from June1st – June 30th the Beverly Center will honor the LGBTQ+ community with its long-standing PRIDE...