October 8, 2024 The Newspaper Serving LGBT Los Angeles

Learning to love yourself and others is key to life with HIV

ROBERT WILLIAMS
ROBERT WILLIAMS

BY ROBERT WILLIAMS  |  Shortly after one of the most difficult events of my life, I had a most beautiful man next to me in my bed.

We had recently met through mutual friends, connected immediately, and stumbled home together after a flirtatious evening out. 

We innocently kissed and wrestled around for awhile and then he rolled on top of me, playfully pinning my hands above my head. He gazed at me with his giant blue sparkling eyes anticipating the next level of knowing one another.

I froze.

Honesty was required to proceed and as I considered it I had to look away and our moment was lost.  I felt the truth would kill the moment and stain it red with blood.  Knowing my positive HIV status and assuming with certainty how he would respond, I took control of the situation and turned over and went to sleep.   

I had only recently been diagnosed with HIV.

I will never forget taking my doctors phone call while standing on NYC’s 6th Avenue. I immediately knew the consequence of the call and anxiously and solemnly began to walk to his office.

The barricades protecting the Veteran’s Day Parade marching down Broadway forced me to stop and wait for what I had decided was too long given what lay ahead.

Feeling like I had no other choice, I jumped the barricade.  As I trespassed across the parade path, a WWII veteran sitting on an approaching float looked me straight in the eye and we both felt total disappointment.

It felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter on my chest and the veteran knew I had gotten myself knocked up with HIV.  In fact, it felt like each person I passed on the street knew my condition and when I eventually arrived at the doctor’s office the staff certainly knew I had HIV.   

I could see it in their eyes and it was already affecting how everyone was treating me.  I was being moved from the negative normal column to positive and I could feel it.   

I went from being a young man living his life to a casualty being left behind.

During this dark period of my life, I couldn’t go from normal to positive.  I didn’t have the courage to be honest with someone I had met via the “normal” channels of life, like friends and family, because my status was a deviation from the person I wanted to be.

My fear of how others viewed me prevented an honest connection.

My secret began to define how I felt around others and prevented me from experiencing true enjoyment.  I would meet someone new and while having a wonderful time I would remember my secret.

Instantly, I felt separate and thought the fun would end if I was honest.  It was much easier to be honest online protected by the firewalls of a sexualized screen name because I had judged HIV to fit into that brand of a person.

My fear of rejection, more accurately described as my biased fear of not being able to control how others viewed me, caused me to lose myself and my ability to connect with other people.

I falsely convicted others of writing me off based on my HIV status without giving them the opportunity to do otherwise because I underestimated them and underestimated the power of love.  I also underestimated myself.

I created my own desperate reality where people lived up to my expectations.  Little by little my world became smaller and smaller.   

To be able to finally love and accept myself, I had to exist in this desperate and lonely world until my resistance to life was completely drained.

I had always used my perceptions of what other people valued and wanted, and whether or not I was living up to them, to determine my worth. In this lonely world there were no others I cared to measure.

After searching externally without result, I realized I had to look within.    

Initially I only saw the suffocating and limiting problems like aging, health issues, and a lack of accomplishment and money.  Then I realized I am actually ok with all of these problems once I adjust my evaluation metric.   

I stopped comparing myself to others and stopped valuing myself by external standards.   Once I accepted these problems I wasn’t clouded by stigma and was able to look forward.

I reevaluated all that had become important to me in adulthood and reconnected with myself as a child.  I began to regain the hope, creativity, and adventure I once had; I remembered the flushed disappointment I felt after making a simple mistake;  I felt, most importantly, the love and forgiveness offered by those I cared most about.

I began to consciously accept love the way a child naturally accepts it.  I try my best and accept myself for being perfectly imperfect and love others with the same allowances.  I have always loved other people, but by loving myself, I am able to feel it reciprocated.

Feeling love made me want to hear about love and talk about love.

I no longer turned away when someone expresses something pure and joyous.  Instead I identify with it.   

I have learned I am a loving spiritual being who is infinitely connected to everything.

I am able give and receive love, respect, and honesty without fear of loss or rejection. 

My old fear of rejection had made me feel rejected, and by accepting the abundance of love,

I feel loved.

Related Posts

Find Harmony at IntoMeSea: Unveiling Santa Monica’s Quantum Wellness Hub

March 5, 2024

March 5, 2024

A Look Into the Healing Studio and Interview with Owner Jen Williams  IntoMeSea, a healing wellness studio located at 1812...

Skin Laundry Laser Focuses On Rejuvenating Skin

July 12, 2023

July 12, 2023

Facials don’t have to be invasive. That’s why Skin Laundry has taken a revolutionary approach to skincare technology, making the...

WeHo Spreads Word About Free Covid Testing

February 2, 2022

February 2, 2022

The City of West Hollywood is reminding residents that free COVID-19 testing is available for them.  Demand for COVID-19 testing...

Green Qween New Queer-Owned Cannabis Shop Will Open Downtown

February 2, 2022

February 2, 2022

Green Qween, a new queer-owned and queer-driven cannabis shop, will open in downtown on April 20th.  The shops owners, Andrés...

New Injectable HIV Prevention Drug Approved By FDA

January 18, 2022

January 18, 2022

The Food and Drug Administration has approved the first long-acting injectable medication for use as pre-exposure prevention, or PrEP, against...

AIDS/LifeCycle 2022 Needs More Volunteers

January 18, 2022

January 18, 2022

AIDS LifeCycle is back with more than $4 million raised so far for the 2022 ride benefitting the HIV/AIDS-related services...

Synergy Scholarship For LGBTQ+ Students

December 13, 2021

December 13, 2021

The Synergy scholarship for LGBTQ+ students is now open for submissions.  Created by California native GT Dave in June of...

‘Commitment To Life’ Documentary Exploring HIV Fight In Los Angeles

December 7, 2021

December 7, 2021

Production has begun on “Commitment to Life” a new documentary that explores the fight against HIV/AIDS in Los Angeles.  Directed...

Pride Poets’ Corner: Featuring Corey Saucier & the Dirge for 24 Hour Fitness

December 7, 2021

December 7, 2021

On November 30, 2020, the 24 Hour Fitness location in West Hollywood, which had been in the community for 25...

Congregation Kol Ami To Host World AIDS Day 2021 Event

November 30, 2021

November 30, 2021

Progressive, Reform Congregation Kol Ami will mark World AIDS Day with a special interfaith observance, combining awareness, remembrance, and speaking...

34th Annual AIDS Walk Long Beach

November 16, 2021

November 16, 2021

The 34th Annual AIDS Walk Long Beach, a benefit for the LGBTQ Center Long Beach and other local providers returned...

New Documentary Pays Tribute to Transgender ‘AIDS diva’ Connie Norman

October 26, 2021

October 26, 2021

A new documentary titled “AIDS Diva: The Legend of Connie Norman,” will pay tribute to the transgender leader in AIDS...

Marathon Runners Heading To WeHo

October 18, 2021

October 18, 2021

Runners in the 2021 Los Angeles Marathon presented by Asics will be making their way through the City of West...

Los Angeles LGBT Center Opens New Facility In South Los Angeles

October 15, 2021

October 15, 2021

Los Angeles LGBT Center has opened a new facility in South Los Angeles to serve the health needs of LGBT...

AIDS/LifeCycle Kick Off Ride

October 11, 2021

October 11, 2021

AIDS/LifeCycle is kicking off it’s 2022 training season to end AIDS on October 16th.  Riders can sign up for the...